THE MERCHANDISING

The first thing I would like to say, is that I, Alejandro Estevan Castillo, would never touch a child!

Talking with Hellen many times, I learned about her story. Hellen told me everything she lived before I met her. Many times I was shocked and wondered how such a young person could have lived and endured so much, which I, at the time, at almost 30 years old, could not even dream of.

I wanted to hug her and tell her that everything was okay now. But my nature only allowed me to listen to her. I had already done one good deed...in fact, sometimes I think I did two...but sometimes I also think I only did the worst for her.

I don't know if I am fooling myself or if I am right in what I have done. I know I am a monster! Who works with the European mafia, and can consider himself a good person? My companies are just fronts, to cover up the true nature of my business.

I am not a good man. I have never been. I lie to myself, saying that I did my best for her, but deep down I know it was for my fear of what happens after death... so I know I did it for me.

A person who like me, who tortures and kills without remorse and without blinking, has only one place to go. But I once heard that when you do a good deed, it can weigh to the side of good, in the scales of fate.

I know that sometimes I think, I have done the best for her, but the one who has benefited is me. She takes care of me when I need it.  Well... at least until today, she always has. She took care of me, because she thinks I did something for her, something good for her.

Hellen is a really wonderful person, and she deserves the best place in the afterlife. Just as she deserves the best, also in life.

She took care of her own mamma when she was still seven years old, less even. She took care of her for two years, but her mamá died of cancer. I think this is a lot of suffering for a child, and no one should have to go through this, except my enemies.  But an innocent child, never.

I started living with Hellen some years ago, and I can say that those years were wonderful, but only now I can see that. And I can also say that I was the one who ruined everything. I managed to make her go away. I managed to make her forget the feelings she thought she had for me.

Hellen always saw me as a hero.  How wrong she is! I can be anything but a good thing. And there is no such thing as a hero! I take that for myself and for her own papá, who sold her to me when she was only nine years old.

I will tell you everything, and let you judge me. I will also let you know about Hellen's experiences, before she met me, from herself… I just hope you understand, that I did what her papá demanded.

I know I am a demon, and I am aware that she will pay for it...she is innocent and should not even be in my house. I know that the mistakes are mine, and that I should not have accepted the terms that that crazy, drug-addled man wanted! Yeah... but I did! And I will pay for it, too. But I always ask the Greater Being, who created us, to forgive me... Hellen always deserved much more... I have this consciousness! So why did I do this to her?

Sometimes I think she changed me a little... sometimes I think I am still the same. I don't see myself as "The Good Samaritan" that she says I was with her. I still see myself as the thug she met when she was nine, who tried to do one or two good deeds, but I'm sure they weren't as good as she thinks.

I don't think I'm making any sense, and I don't see Hellen anywhere. I'm a little dizzy, I've lost a lot of blood, so forgive me if I can't make myself understood very well, or if I'm being too repetitive.

I need Hellen! She’s who always took care of me when she was around, and I need her care now. This girl who is now a woman and fills my eyes... but I am dumb enough not to have realized this before. I always thought she deserved better. But I don't know what to do now... I need her... I need her to forgive me... I need her to come back... I need her to take care of me.

I am remembering, at this moment, Hellen telling me when her mamá got sick. Hellen was 5 years old, but her memory is very good. She told me that her mamá had chemotherapy treatment, but the cancer just stabilized and couldn't be removed, I don't remember why, and that two years later, it became very aggressive; and this caused them to stay in the hospital for two years. Her mamá fighting for her life, and Hellen trying to take care of her own mamá.

How can a child take care of someone? How can a child keep up with a state of terminal illness? But from what I understand, neither of them had a choice...poor Hellen and poor her mamá, Marie.

I just hope Hellen is well, now that she is away from me! And I also hope that her mamá, Marie, is in a good place. Who knows, if at least one of my actions for Hellen when she was nine years old, will take me to the same place as her mamá, and I can finally meet her. I would like to thank her, for the angel she had, and that today she is well... or at least she will be, since she will be far away from me, and is heir to billions of Euros that are in my bank accounts. Besides several properties, in every country in Europe.

I don't know how many hours, or minutes, I have left. I feel my conscience fading away. I wish I could scream Hellen's name, but I can't? It would be great to die with her name in my mouth, I'll have to be content with having her in my mind. I also wish I could call 911, but I can't either... hump... how ironic! I have done this with so many people, and now it happens to me. It's hilarious!

I feel like my eyes are starting to feel really heavy, and I don't know how long I can keep them open. Hellen, I need you... where are you? Hellen... Hellen... Hellen... where are you that you won't come and help me? I need you, Hellen! That's all I can whisper.

My head is going crazy. I'm starting to see things. I'm hearing and feeling too. I see Hellen in front of me... of course it's a hallucination! Hellen has left and it's my fault! I made her leave. I convinced her that she was only grateful, and that she shouldn't even be grateful for what I did to her. She was only nine years old at the time.

I feel Hellen caress my face, so lovingly, as she always did, and I hear her say softly, that everything will be all right. I try to apologize and tell her that I am sorry, but she tells me to save my strength, and not to worry, because, she is here now and that everything will be fine.

I feel her start to nurse the wound, the gunshot wound that I took. I'm sure my head is really going crazy. I know she's not here. But I accept to fall into the sweet trap of death, and ask her to tell me again what her life was like before she met me. She asks me, softly, why I want to hear these things again. I answer only that I want to take a little piece of her with me. Hellen fights with me, in her soft but firm voice; then she says that she won't let me die now. But I insist that she tell her again, and say it's to distract me, and then she agrees.